People tell me "yeah, but it's not like you didn't know that already, isn't it?"
And I could tell them "but it's not like that is supposed to make me feel better, giving him up".
I could.
When Ni Setonaikai (crt.cat-1) died, almost 6 and a half years ago, my parents forbid me to have another cat. Not because of the allergy - the advantage of going alone to the doctors is that you can tell others half truths - but because I get too attached to these creatures.
When (crt.cat-2) died, I blamed them for taking her away from me, from my care, and throwing her into the cruel world where in a short time she would die poisoned.
Sure, these are foolish, absurd accusations, from a foolish and grieving teenager. I will not claim I know how my parents felt, maybe they didn't give a damn, but I know how I would feel if someone would make me responsible for the death of a creature. Horrible. So when Ni died they considered this foolishness cannot go on any longer.
Of course, I had my own plans. I was a 22 years old mature and adult person. No one could tell me what I can and cannot do! I was already planning for a substitute as I was feeling it was the only way I could take the guilt of the death away from me.
But I didn't. I couldn't. Since I didn't take another cat as soon as she died, the guilt overwhelmed me and I started to fear the thought of being responsible for yet another life. It took me over three years to even consider "adopting" again without feeling I'll betray the promises I made (secret promises, to a dead cat, I know...)
In the years that followed her death I even hated cats a little. I thought it's the only way I could stop myself from getting attached. People would know me as a cat loving person, yet now I had become indifferent, to the point of turning my back and ignoring because I could not stand to look at another live cat without feeling horribly guilty.
After this time though I started giving in. I promised myself I'll only look, admire from a distance.
But I started losing control pretty quickly. I started enjoying everything cat again. I started making plans for my future cats, their names, their breed, their colour.
Fortunately life came in the way, priorities shifted. For a while I was busy again and having a cat fell somewhere in the background.
Until 2009. Until Eiríkr. By then even I believed the lies I told others, that my cat allergy was a mere nuisance, nothing I should worry about.
For me having Eiríkr was a fairy tale. I tried doing everything right. I made no compromises. This time it couldn't go wrong. No way. And watching him grow, from the little kitten that fit in my palm, to the loving and lovely tomcat that he is now was such a great reward.
Sure, the first two weeks of having him were a bit of a nightmare. My nose was running constantly and I even had counters for how many sneezes in a row I had (14 if anyone's curious; it kind of shatters your brain). But in time the (worse) symptoms would go away. I was left with a constant cough, nothing serious though, just an inconvenience. My nose stopped running. Sometimes I would get red spots on my skin but it would go away in half an hour or so, nothing I could not deal with.
And then...then everything else happened.
I do not feel I have to explain myself. This is not what I'm trying to do here. I'm trying to find answers, trying to make it have some sense to me.
I'm sure any stranger that finds this post could throw a "you were wrong, you got what you deserved, this is how things are supposed to be, this is the correct answer" at me. And I know that's true, but my feelings for cats and my feelings on this matter are also true.
If I do not live for the things I like then what's the point? Should I just stop wishing for something just because I'm not allowed to have it? Should I wrap myself in a cocoon and isolate myself from everything that could hurt me? What's the point? What's the point of living in misery, cut off from everything you like but might hurt you, just for the sake of a long and careless existence?
Don't get me wrong: I'm not ungrateful for what I have now. Not at all. This is a speech from a I want a cat point of view, not from everything I have in my life p.o.v. There was life before Eiríkr and there is life after Eiríkr too.
I just think it is not fair.
